i had been grieving and didn’t know it – that is always a surprise for me, and such a relief once i finally have that ‘ah-ha’ moment. it only used to come when my counselor would notice it, but it’s nice to know that i’ve learned to spot it on my own now. not nearly as soon as i’d like to, but progress is progress, right?

speaking of progress i am so moved, honored and excited for you SHS & lori as you have both made HUGE steps while i was “away” i am so proud of you both. please know that you have begun a journey that will change your lives. i couldn’t be happier to read those very difficult words.

so here’s me standing up, clapping and celebrating you both – i am so honored to walk this path with you. thank you for trusting me with your stories!

i look forward to a healthier, wholer future for all of us!!

For all of my adult life I’ve struggled with a strong obsessive/compulsive tendency. It’s affected me in many areas – but most disruptively in worrying about incurable disease. Thousands of dollars, thousands of milligrams of prozac and probably thousands of Dr.’s visits couldn’t even begin to quell a mad obsesssion that migrated constantly or the insatiable search for something undefinable, I can best describe as being a ‘hole’.

There was a block of time over 14 years, where the highest dose of prozac, and an almost every other day 6 drink Grower’s Cider habit still couldn’t touch (and now I’m sure added to!) the inside hysteria. A year ago, after crashing mercilesssly into myself, a friend suggested that the 12 Steps might begin to address what medicine and everything else I’d tried, could not. I flushed the prozac, stopped drinking cider and aimed to live differently. Accepting that obsessive/compulsive behavior is almost identical to addictive behavior and should be treated the same way tho’, was a hard pill for me to swallow. I hate the word, ‘addict or addictive’ and refused to do the group thing. Instead I blasted through the steps in 12 weeks, thinking myself cured. I was astounded and disturbed this Fall to discover I wasn’t cured at all – and had in fact just been living out the same kind of obsessive behaviours in new ways.

I went back, (feeling very lame I might add) to Step one to readdress what being ‘powerless and unmanageable’ means. I think for me it means fully recognizing how o/c thoughts patterns affect all my life, feelings and decisions, and that in spite of my best (worst!) efforts to fix it with God, drugs or alcohol and even counseling and knowledge…can’t.

I’ve discovered things about myself this year I had no clue about before – ‘addictive’ personality being one of them…Honestly, I can get addicted (and have) to anything…ice cubes, scotch mints, mini carrots, prescription or non presecription drugs, alcohol, the computer, writing, research. causes, activities, anything. Anything to distract me from the scream of the inner hole…I live in extremes, hating the middle ground and railing against it all the time. I understand now that parts of who I am are more messed than I ever imagined…that there’s reasons (that I still don’t all understand) for coping with life the way I did (do) and that I do in fact need support in spite of wanting to go it alone.

So there you have it. I don’t really know how to define what kind of ‘addict’ I am or if that’s even the point. But it sure feels like obsessive & addictive could be siblings…And I’m part of the family.

the courage to stand naked

hat tip to mike todd

things here have been a bit  busy as I get this “real life” support group off the ground.  I am the one with the most time (read no paying job) so a lot of it is falling to me.  I have designed a webpage, prepared the posters and press release and done all of the hurdles and hoops head office puts together to make sure we’re “legit”.

I think other than delivering the posters and press releases I am finally “caught up” – now if I can get through the big cooking commitment I’ve made this weekend I’ll be a HAPPY CAMPER!

How are ya’ll doing??

‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not control…‘

I want to control my freedom. I’ll have a punch down, knock out with God or any man (woman, child, dog or cat!) that attempts to interfere with it. Sometimes I think I fight for freedom in non-constructive ways. The freedom’s in surrender, not control – isn’t it.

This is just an observation, really. I’ve been thinking about the first line in the Serenity Prayer…God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change…since I suppose it’s a good place to start.

I don’t know if any of you struggle in your marriages or close relationships. I do, and I know it’s often without even adaquete justification. Half the stuff that becomes HUGE in my mind is often trivial…There are of course valid pressure points, but I’ve observed my tendency is to allow them to become larger than life. It’s one of those things that allows me to live in a constant state of internal crisis and then excuse myself from the things I really need to address but don’t want to. One of the things I’ve learned this year is that I need to examine everything I feel and run it through the O/C evaluation filter to try to determine if it’s real or not. Most of the time I find my most intense negative emotions don’t even accurately reflect a real problem, but are more of a string of thoughts gone wild. I over respond to normal conflict and tension. A kind of irrational resentment…that makes me withdraw emotionally in my marriage and excuse myself from responsibility. It’s caused me endless internal fighting and railing against my circumstances…I’m not going to change my marrriage sitation, but I’ll sure as heck make myself (and husband!) miserable as a result.

And so, have been thinking about how this first line applies to my life. ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change’.

Maybe if I can accept what I can’t change, like my marriage and my tendency to obsess over the trials of it – I can eventually get beyond the resentment and have the courage to change the things within the marriage and myself that I can.

Resentment is such a paralyzer, isn’t it.

i received my copy of “a spiritual journey through the 12 steps” before the weekend and got some time to look through it.

i must say it’s very “christian”…. not that it is bad, it’s just very churchy and churchy stuff sometimes makes me itch. i will go through it if others are, but am skeptical of the amount of good that could come out of it for me.

whadja think??

I’ve been turning things over in my mind. First one way, then another. I turn my face for a while, wondering if it will all go away, if it will look different when I turn back.

When I first started this bit of the journey, it was to explore healing with Lori. She suggested reading through a 12 step book she’d worked through. I figured it wouldn’t hurt.

When Wicked Step Sisters came about, I didn’t know what it would look like, or what form it would take. But I was along for the ride, and decided to see what happened.

And not surprisingly, since we had entered the journey through the door of 12 steps, the conversation became focused quickly on addiction issues. And the last day or so, I’ve felt a little lost, and wondered if I really belonged. I realize that I have many issues, but I rather doubted that addiction was one of them.

And that question was running around my head at work today, as I was bouncing from one fire to another as I worked as trouble-shooter for the office. That question was running through my mind as I took a break, and walked in the kitchen and spied a tub of icing left over from a party, and wondered to myself if anyone would mind if I ate the tub of icing.

…and wondered if anyone would mind if I ate a tub of icing…

Hello. My name is Super Hero Soul. I am a sugar addict.

-We have feelings of low self esteem that cause us to judge ourselves and others without mercy. We cover up or compensate by trying to be perfect, take responsibility for others, attempt to control the outcome of unpredictable events, get angry when things don’t our way, or gossip instead of confronting an issue.

-We tend to isolate ourselves and feel uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

-We are approval seekers and wil do anything to make people like us. We are extremely loyal event in the face of evidence that suggests loyalty is undeserved.

-We are intimidated by angr people and personal criticism. This causes us to feel anxious and overly sensitive.

-We habitually chose to have relationships with emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities. We are less attracted to healthy, caring people.

-We live life as victims and are attracted to other victims in our love and friendship relationships. We confuse pity with love and tend to “love” people we can pity and rescue.

-We are either overly responsible or very irresponsible. We try to solve others problems or expect others to be responsible for us. This enables us to avoid looking closely at our own behavior.

-We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act assertively. We give in to others instead of taking care of ourselves.

-We deny, minimize or repress our feelings from our traumatic childhoods. We have difficulty expressing our feelings and are unaware of the impact it has had on our lives.

-We are dependent personalities who are terrified of rejection or abandonment. We tend to stay in jobs or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears can either stop us from ending hurtful relationships or prevent us from entering healthy, rewarding ones.

-Denial, isolation, control and misplaced guilt are symtoms of family dysfunction. Because of these behaviors, we feel hopeless and helpless.

-We have difficulty with initmate relationships. We feel insecure and lack trust in others. We don’t have clearly defined boundaries and become emeshed with our partner’s needs and emotions.

-We have difficulty following projects through from beginning to end.

-We have a strong need to be in control. We overract to change over which we have no control.

-We tend to be impulsive. We take action before considering alternative behaviors or possible consquences.